Y'know what I'm currently feeling is very similar to when everything first started. The day I triggered and finally really invited my own long awaited soul-demon into my life to snuggle up my wrecked soul when my world first turned cold, dark and empty as no one around me reached their hands out to me. Everything flashed before my eyes the moment I realised that the promise that they once made with me was snatched and thrown away. The betrayal that I felt when the support and protection that I desperately needed were never an option to them. I had no one. I was alone. No one understood me. No one listened to me. None of them even tried to understand or listen to what I had and wanted to say but didn't say on my behalf. I was terrified. I was defenseless. I kept on pushing away my own feelings and fear because I took every single one of their feelings in my mind to avoid any of them from being hurt. I was too selfless and now I'm the one that's hurting and yet have to recover from everything that's ruining me into pieces. And I fucking abhor myself for that. I did this to myself. I was hopeless. I was lost. I had nowhere to go to. I had no one to run to. I was alone and I had to endure the pain and lick my own wound myself every time no one was looking.
It's been six years already but it still feels fresh in my mind like it just happened yesterday. I might have forgiven them but there's no way in hell that I can ever forget everything that happened. All the things they said and told me what to do but in the end, it didn't bring me any justice. It was a one sided justice where I was blamed profusely that I had to swallow down the poison and wave my white flag up. I wished I could smash my head into the wall and wipe my memory off so I can learn to love the new life again – obviously far from the current life that I have to live for right now. While I was desperately trying to forget, without even meaning to, I actually slowly surrended my body, mind and soul to the darkness while my demon tightly clutched my hands in hers walking me down the tunnel. It hurt me before and it hurts me now too. I'm truly exhausted. I want everything to end. I don't want to be constantly being haunted by it. It scarred me then and the wound gets deeper and deeper as time passes by. And deep down inside, I realised that I can never seem to heal wholly and completely from the trauma. There are days where I thought that I was getting better but nothing lasts forever and here I am now; back to square one. When will this end? But the main question is, will it ever end though?
